It's Tuesday . . .

-
. . . and I have very little to report. We saw "Knocked Up" over the weekend, which was very funny and good (by the same people who did "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"), and managed to see "Shaun of the Dead" on cable, which was nice but not as funny as "Hot Fuzz." MUST GET TO DC, for the movie-multiplex scene here continues to be dismal. In other big weekend news, I knocked out both my biannual car emissions test and my annual mammogram ("squish . . . splat . . . click"). So that's something.

And for those of you who have never seen this classic piece of Internet humor, here is your guide on:

HOW TO PREPARE FOR A MAMMOGRAM

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. And best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
-