The Girl Never Dies

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When I was in elementary and middle school, I had a friend who loved Nancy Drew mysteries as much as I did. We would write letters to each other as if we were in the middle of a mystery, and do such clever things as put the stamp upside down, so that the recipient would notice and get the hint that there was a secret message hidden there.

I’m many years older now, but I still carry on fictional correspondence with my friends. Herewith a recent email thread between me, my friend Deb, and our friend Jessica. It begins with Deb and I planning to see Rob Pattinson in Remember Me and discussing show times. It is also helpful to know that Deb, Jess, and I had earlier been wondering if Rob would make a good Heathcliffe (of course he would, cause he can brood like there's no tomorrow) and who might be his ideal Cathy.

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Deb wrote:
i can do 1:15.

let's be sure to leave time for eats. let's do a late lunch after. m'kay? i know that if i leave my house at 12:20 i will not have taken the time to eat properly. and i'll be pretty waifish *cough* by the time we finish admiring rob's artistically obscured formus nekkidus on the silver screen. agreed?

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Lynn wrote:

Dearest Miss Deborah:

We have reviewed your application to play the heroine Cathy in the upcoming production of Wuthering Heights. Although we respect the artistry shown in your white-nightgown photos, we are concerned that, in recent correspondence brought to our attention (please reference missive quoted above), you apparently do not feel that Mr. Pattinson's formus nekkidus is enough to satisfy all your bodily appetites. It appears from the epistolary evidence that you feel that (I can hardly bring myself to write the word) "food" will be required. I must say I was surprised to read this, as I would expect that a two-hour communion with Mr. Pattinson's unearthly male beauty would be enough spiritual sustenance for any young heroine.

Although we are disappointed in your attachment to "food," we are willing to keep your on our list of possible Cathys. I must warn you, however, that if the Committee finds evidence of "nachos" your application will be summarily dismissed.

Yours,
The Committee

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Deb wrote:

Dear Committee:

I confirm receipt of your last and write to assure you that any reference to "food" was strictly pro forma. I last consumed human physical food on November 3, 2008, at which time I munched on Ritzable Mini-crackers while reading Twilight. Shortly after chapter 4 I brushed the crumbs from my pinafore and forswore consumption, choosing instead to drink in Edward's liquid topaz eyes. Several weeks later, upon viewing that same story in its cinematic retelling, I officially stopped missing food, preferring to feast my eyes on Robert Pattinson's perfectly sculpted marble abdominals.

While it is true that I have been spotted just this afternoon in a Burger King drive-thru, I assure the Committee that the foodstuffs were purchased solely for show and were not consumed but were rather disposed of on my front stoop where they were consumed readily by the local rat population.

I hope that my clarification has adequately assured you of my commitment to this project, and I submit as corroboration of my justification copies of my medical records, which indicate, upon inspection, that my metabolism has effectively ceased to operate (hence the way I look in leggings).

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best,
Deborah, Artiste

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Lynn wrote:

Dearest Miss Jay:

The Committee is very relieved to hear this. All of the following are acceptable forms of sustenance for a young Victorian heroine:

* contemplation of heroic abs
* liquid topaz eyes
* cracker crumbs
* the chill air of a stormy November night
* despair/madness

Thank you for your clarification and we look forward to your further proofs of suitability for the role of Cathy.

Ever yours,
The Committee

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Deb wrote to Jess:

herfi,

would you do me a favor? the Committee is considering my application for the role of Cathy in the upcoming remake of Wuthering Heights for the disney channel, and i need to convince them that i am SERIOUS about this shit. (please see previous correspondence.)

would you mind writing me a recommendation---maybe talking about my commitment to tuberculosis/coughing fits and homemade cordials? no? or i don't know. something similar. anyhoo, anything you can write that will make me look the part of a histrionic (i don't know---you may have to invent a little here [smiley-face emoticon]) would be greatly appreciated and would SO not go unnoticed during awards season when i get my tickets to The Globes. [winking emoticon]

please address all correspondence to The Committee. and feel free to CC me! [hyperactively winking emoticon]

[heart emoticon][rose emoticon],
bff

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Jess wrote to Lynn:

a letter to the committee in defence (<--note modish British spelling) of my dear friend Deborah

To whom it may concern,

I take pen in hand to beseech your esteemed committee to consider, NAY, immediately endorse Deborah as the ONLY POSSIBLE casting choice for the part of Catherine Earnshaw in the Disney Channel's production of Wuthering Heights.

The reasons why this is imperative are legion. I will list but a few of these reasons in this epistle.

First of all, only Deborah can appropriately convey the necessary decibel levels to express Cathy's extreme agitation at being separated from her beloved Heathcliff. Additionally, only she can adequately pine/sicken/linger pathetically in the manner of Cathy. She excels at fainting, hallucinating, trembling, and being a ghostly apparition at the windows of brooding manors. Deborah looks perfect in frayed finery and a state of general dishabille. In fact, I cannot envision her in any other way.

Also, her British accent is much, much more British than any British actress's would be.
It is for these reasons that I must insist that you draw nary a breath before rushing to endorse this captivating specimen of womankind as the ONLY Cathy that could ever be considered.

With affection, conviction, and a tendency to swoon,
Clarissa Fleurette
(One whose devotion to Deborah is only surpassed by her prediliction to blur the line between Gothic and Victorian)

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Deb wrote:

Dear Committee:

Did I get the part?

Before you answer that, please examine the attached photos of myself lounging in a local mews in a series of poet blouses. Rather than looking tarty (like some attention-seeking actresses of our age), I exude womanliness, femininity, even matronliness. Wait. What I mean is that I probably caught a chill while reclining on the damp city grass and have not yet shaken this cough. It echos in my wasting bosom (!) as I typ-- as I dip my quill into my jar of ink. And, uh, put flannel on it. Or . . .

Please consider my earnest application.

Yours for I'm not sure how long before this galloping consumption consumes me entire,
Deborah, or Dorcas if you think it better suits

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Lynn wrote:

Sigh.

Miss Deborah (if that is indeed your name, as you seem to have a rather fluid conception of the time-honored family-given name):

The true heroine endures uncertainty and tribulation in silence.

She does not . . . petition.

The Committee

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Lynn wrote to Jess:

Dearest Clarissa:

How absolutely kind and courteous of you to write us concerning your good friend Deborah and her application to play Catherine. We understood from Miss Deborah that her appearance at Burger King was "for show" and we, in all good faith, accepted her word. We can only assume that her later spotting at the home of one Chuck E. Cheese was similarly for effect. The yet later appearance at a "TCBY"---devouring a decided NON-nonfat yogurt treat---began to strain our credulity. This afternoon's attendance at a local Italian pastry shop (Italian!) was equally disappointing.

Nonetheless, you are so very eloquent in her defense that we will not close the door on her application definitively. We at the Committee are impressed by your earnest defense, the loyalty to your friend of longstanding, your use of the more formal "Catherine," and your appreciation for ALL the requirements for a Gotho-Victorian heroine of the stature of Catherine. Which leads the Committee to wonder if, perhaps, you yourself would be the better choice for this paragon of delicate womanhood?

Yours ever so truly,
The Committee

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Deb wrote:

Dear Committee:
Please find enclosed 0.5 grams of anthrax.
Yours,
Deborah, a.k.a. The Real Catherine Earnshaw
CC: Herfica

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Lynn wrote:

Lovely, Miss Deborah. Simply lovely.

As you are so very comfortable in the role of venonaire, would you perhaps be interested instead in the role of the wicked stepmother in our upcoming production of Snow White? Perhaps the physiques of the seven little men would be more to your liking and might mitigate your passion for the nuggets de poulet.

Committee

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Deb wrote:

But--

Dear Committee:

Please note, though, that I raise my own poultry and use the meats for Healing Broths and the feathers for down ticks and the proceeds from my egg money to purchase posters of Edward Cullen.

In agita,
'Bert'licke-- Deborah/Dorcas

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Lynn wrote:

Oh Dearest Deborah! You didn't take seriously our whimsical missive! Oh, please say you did not, or we will be ever so cross with ourselves. Our good, dear friends (and benefactors) the Darcys have vouchsafed your delicacy and taste, and we assured them that we consider you to be the ONLY candidate to play the lovely Catherine.

Please assure us (at your earliest, earliest convenience) that our little jest was accepted in the foolish manner in which it was intended!

Yours ever and ever so very truly,
The Committee

PS: Clarissa: We will no longer be needing your services for role of Catherine. Goodbye.

Jess wrote:

CLARISSA:
*faints on couch*
*eschews sustenance*
*contracts wasting ailment*
*suffers in brave silence*
*expires*

I sure hope the committee is happy.

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Lynn wrote:

TO: The Committee
FROM: The Committee
RE: the previous

Alas. It turns out she would have made an excellent Cathy.

THE END
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